A beautiful wedding and tough conversations

My favorite time of day is Jaden’s bedtime. Not because he’s going to be asleep (though I won’t lie, sometimes that’s nice) but because that’s our time. Quite often we read for a while, on rare occasions we hook up the dvd player and watch a few minutes of a movie, and that’s our time to talk about anything that’s on his mind.

One of Jaden’s happiest breakthroughs is that a few months ago we began to have actual conversations. I’ve waited so long to hear what’s going through his head. He started really talking close to a year ago, right after we switched his speech therapy to Vanderbilt Bill Wilkerson. Because of this I’m in love with his speech therapist and think of her as part of our family. But real back and forth conversation took more time and work from all of his team of superheroes, as his receptive language is on a lower level than his expressive language. He struggles to understand us. The first time he told me a sentence in answer to “what happened today?” I had to act casual and turn so he wouldn’t see me tearing up. Way, way bigger than when he took his first steps.

So as soon as he was able, I used bedtime as a safe time to practice and talk to me about whatever was on his mind. It’s easier then, when his thoughts and eyes and body aren’t bouncing all over the room.

Tonight it was sad. I should have seen it coming maybe, when he asked me in the car “Why do people die?” I talked to him a little about it, trying to walk the line between being honest and not scaring him, while we put away groceries. I could tell he was done when he changed the subject himself and breathed a sigh of relief. I hope the birds and bees question waits for a while longer.

Laying in bed though the subject turned to two things I can’t fix for him; bad dreams then  the subject of our divorce. With tears he begged me again to “be married to daddy again,” with “’What a beautiful wedding,’ do you remember that in the song? ” he asked as he sang the lines from Panic! in the Disco’s  I write sins not tragedies. “’What a beautiful wedding,’ be like that. With the cake, and the flowers, and be married.”

I held him while he cried about it, I held him while he begged, I held him while he asked if daddy was going to marry someone else, and I held him while I told him again there wasn’t anything more I could do about any of it.

On second thought can we go back to why people die and the birds and the bees?

(I lol at how sweet that Jaden thinks the video is about a beautiful wedding…
Yes I gave it away - I’m a bad mom. We love our music!)